Falling in Love is Easy… sustaining it is tricky (Feb 2012)
Anyone who has been in a relationship has most probably at some point, experienced the feeling of being in love. In the early days of being in love, you long to be with your partner, eagerly anticipating their calls and craving for their touch. You spend your days in a love bubble, counting the hours and minutes before you next meet. You find their habits and idiosyncrasies cute, appealing and loving. You walk around with a smile in your face, a spring in your step and a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart. Life is good and filled with a series of happy moments that flow into one another, taking you to the peaks of joy. When you’re in love, hours drift into days and days are lost amidst the clouds of passion, without a care in the world.
Love has been written and composed about for centuries. It crosses cultural boundaries and languages. It brings us happiness and contentment and can leave us longing, disappointed and grieving. Why do we feel swept off our feet when we first meet a new partner? Why does being in love take us into a dream-like state? Why do we look at our new lover as being the perfect match or even our soul mate?
The family and social environment we grow up in influence how we relate with others. In other words, our emotional environment shapes us as children and impacts us as adults. Children’s fairy stories are also a major source of unconscious input. They often portray damsels in distress, rescued by a charming prince. The film industry, media, music and poetry perpetuate the fairy-tale dream of romance, intense dramas and the happily-ever-after image. They contribute to and influence our image of love, relationships and relating.
We grow up believing that somewhere in the world is the right person that will fulfil our needs. Our perfect partner or soul mate will love us unconditionally and make us happy. Here is a key element of falling in love – we build an internal, unconscious and idealised image of our perfect partner. This is an unconscious image which you may not even be aware of its existence.
The unconscious idealised image of a partner will have all the qualities we need to meet our basic needs – to be seen, loved and accepted unconditionally. This image also carries the social influences that contribute to our romantic fantasies. When we meet a new lover, we project that unconscious image onto them like a movie on a screen. They may have some of the traits we long for however, we’re expecting them to be the whole package. What we see in those early days is the projection (the movie) of our idealised partner, making it easy to fall in love.
We unconsciously look for the love and recognition from partners that we didn’t have as children. The missing needs from childhood create psychological ‘holes’. As adults, we unconsciously expect our partners to fill our ‘holes’ and fulfil all our basic needs – we expect them to be the missing link. I’ve heard a number of people say to their partner – ‘you complete me’. Does this mean they had bits of themselves missing?
The experience or feeling of completeness comes from having your ‘holes’ temporarily filled. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last because our partners are not able to fulfil our early childhood needs. Gradually, the projected image (the movie) breaks down and the euphoria of being in love dissipates. Because the dream or fantasy of your idealised partner is not real, it can’t be sustained.
As the projection crumbles, the true character of the couple in the relationship is revealed. You then start to see your partner’s quirkiness as irritating faults. You blame them for changing and for not being the person they were when you first met. Reality hits as you begin to see the person with whom you fell in love, for the first time. The contrast between the idealised image and reality leads to the end of the love bubble period. It has nothing to do with them changing, it’s all about how you have changed the way you see them.
The key to a successful relationship is not finding your ideal partner; it’s learning to love the person you found. Being able to look at your partner and seeing them for who they are and accept them without judgement or criticism. To notice how and who you can be when you are with them – that is the art of relating.
by Carla Alves da Silva
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